It’s Friday night in Boone and I am undecided with what to do with myself. I’m in my room trying to work out what to eat and where I should go; do I want a full meal or do I just want sweets and coffee? Do I want to go explore an unknown place or just go to one of the nearby places? First world problems, I know, but still a valid problem for someone like me who has around 12 meals a day.
I’ve loved my time here so far. It’s a world away from Sydney and it’s peaceful and relaxing. The people are great, the team I have been working with is A.mazing! I have made some new friends and some great memories that I will bury deep within. I love my life and in no way take it for granted, however, I am finding myself feeling restless. A little expectant. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s as if there is something just around the corner and I don’t know whether to be excited about it, nervous, or both. I feel like my life is heading in a new direction and changes are coming. Big changes. Again, I can’t put my finger on it, but I know that some things are going to change drastically in my life and I think the fact that I don’t know exactly what that change will be is what’s making me nervous and restless. If you haven’t worked it out, I’m a bit of a control freak (to my crew, stop rolling your eyes!) and that control freak is currently scrambling to take control of what is essentially a gut feeling of expectancy and excitement.
The control freak in me wants to know what it is, who will be involved and where and when it will all take place – basically, take all the fun out of it. I suppose a part of that is due to the many hurts and disappointments I’ve experienced throughout my life. I don’t always share that part of my world as I’d rather focus on the positive things that go on, but I’m no different to everyone else and experience heartbreak and disappointment, at times in abundance. I try not to live out of that place, but sometimes I get nervous of the unknown. I get a tiny bit fearful that whatever is coming could rock my world as I know it, or that it will completely take me out of my comfort zone. I’ve learnt to depend on God in my life and trust that He has me covered, but I still don’t find it easy being pushed outside of my comfort zone, despite the fact that it’s where I grow the most.
In as much as I can, I try to give everything of myself. I know some people say that you need to hold part of yourself back, but I disagree because if you don’t give, you will never experience life to its fullest. In my relationships, when I love, whether it be family, friends, or a partner, I love with everything and give everything of myself. It has at times been too much for some people, but I don’t know any other way to be, I’m an all-in kinda girl. With my work, I don’t hold back any of my gifts or abilities and try to give my absolute best. In my ministry, I try to come from a place of complete vulnerability in the hopes that it will bless someone. I try not to hold back, so when I find myself getting stretched again, it gets a little uncomfortable.
You may be thinking that I am being a little dramatic, or that I am trying to be philosophical about these feelings of mine, and I very well could be over analysing, but deep down, so deep it’s visceral, I don’t think I am. Deep down, I think that God is in some way preparing me for what’s to come and is trying to get me to open my eyes and ears to things that could be easily missed. And so here I am, praying that my eyes and ears will be open to see and hear what I need to and not miss it, whatever ‘it’ may be. I’m praying that I will be able to glorify Him as my story unfolds. I’m praying that I won’t grow weary if things get too hard. I’m praying that I can keep my heart joyful at all times, even if things are going to get a little difficult. And I’m praying that whatever direction my life goes in, it will in some way help someone out there.
Be blessed xo