I can’t remember…

I can’t remember a time when I felt so disconnected and connected to the world.

I can’t remember a time where I felt so content yet so restless about my life. A time when every answer to every question raised more questions.

I can’t remember a time when I felt so much uncertainty about life yet stood on a rock-solid hope and assurance that my faith would catch me before I hit the ground.

I can’t remember a time when my fear and my faith danced so intimately to a beat that I didn’t recognise; where they intertwined so much that at times it was hard to separate the two.

I can’t remember a time where my ignorance to what the real world looked like allowed me to walk around blissfully preoccupied with my own little life.

I can’t remember a time when the injustices of the world weighed so heavily on my shoulders and my justice bone was stretched so thin it was at capacity, yet I took for granted the freedom that I walked in.

I can’t remember walking such a high wire of tension between wanting to go out and fix all the wrongs in the world and trying to work out what colour to paint my nails and where my next coffee stop would be.

I can’t remember a time when so many emotions battled it out for top spot in my heart while my mind wandered in the opposite direction towards distraction.

I can’t remember a time when what I wanted and needed felt so selfish in the face of the poverty being experienced around the world.

I can’t remember a time when I ever felt so conflicted, yet my soul was at peace knowing it was in good Hands.

I can’t remember, because I can’t remember what life was like without my God.