I give myself a headache sometimes because I have a mind that operates like a puppy: easily distracted. Look, a ball, oh, a butterfly, oh my human, oh food, ball! That’s my head, I start off intentionally thinking about one thing and then suddenly I’m totally off track and thinking about food and dancing elephants. I’ve had trouble stilling my mind for the last few days and the only thing that’s helped me has been music because lyrics get stuck in my head and I end up singing a song over and over and over. But when my head gets the better of me, like it has the last couple of days, I find myself working hard to stop my thoughts from spilling out of my mouth. Not something that I’m too concerned about too often. Actually that’s a lie, monitoring my thoughts and ensuring they don’t all come out of my mouth is something I need to monitor hourly because I’ve on more than one occasion said out loud what I was thinking, and it didn’t go down well. Sometimes my thoughts are so sarcastic even I don’t know if I’m being serious or not. And sometimes my thoughts are mean, so I quickly try and repent in my head. I’m sure that most days when God thinks of me, He has His head in His hands and He’s thinking “here we go again, not-so-nice-thought coming…now wait for it…yep, there’s the apology!”. Often I’ll be in a social setting and get asked by people why I’m not talking much and the truth is because it’s safer; the less I speak, the less chance of offending or being seen as a doofus. And sometimes, like today, my thoughts are selfish.
Today I want to run away and go live in some remote village in Sweden where I can change my name and make a living making chocolate. I’ll call myself Amelia and sell little chocolate truffles by day. And I can eat truffles by night. Win win. But I can’t (and wouldn’t) run away, so I went for a run instead. That’s a good way to empty your head because you put some music on and just run. And run. And run. I ran for a while because I needed to run out my frustration. I’m sure I’ll pay for it tomorrow but it was worth it because it allowed me to put my thoughts aside for a bit and just focus on not tripping over. But back to my thoughts. I’m feeling a little pressure today. It’s as if this situation with mum is getting bigger and worse. Nothing has changed: we still don’t know what treatment she’ll need and her pain hasn’t gotten any worse, but it just feels..heavier today. Mum is having a up and down day today. She’s in pain (which the doctor is saying is normal) and mentally, she’s going back and forth between believing she’ll need chemo, to believing she’ll need radiation, to wanting a mastectomy, to believing she won’t need anything at all. She’s shared her thoughts with me but more than anything I can see it in her behaviour and on her face. Watching her face as her mind works is hard work because I just want to yell at her to not think bad things and hug her tightly and tell her it will be okay. It’s hard being in her situation, I know. I’m hurting and I’m not the one that’s got cancer, so I can only imagine a tiny bit how hard this would be for her. But at the same time I struggle with negativity, so I’m desperately trying to keep my mouth shut and just speak encouragement and God’s promises of healing to her. But negativity of any kind is difficult for me because my attitude is to try to find the positive in every situation. I truly believe you can find Gods goodness and beauty in any situation, and I know it’s hard to find a positive in cancer, but it doesn’t mean we don’t try. Don’t give in and stop fighting because you end up in more misery. And this is why I say that sometimes my thoughts are selfish, because at the moment I’m only thinking about how it’s affecting me. It’s not about me (as much as I would like it to be), it’s about mum and helping her through.
I guess the reason it feels heavier at the moment is because I’m the one that spends the most time with her. I don’t mind that, I really don’t. If anything, I’m constantly trying to find places we can go and different things we can do. I love spending time with my mum. But because I spend so much time with her, I’m more aware of her emotions, facial expressions, behaviours and overall attitude. Sometimes watching her I just want to weep because I see the pain she’s in and watch her try and not show it. But this is life for us at the moment and we just need to trust that God has it under control. We can’t always understand why things happen, but we just need to trust and I trust my God. I have confidence and faith in the name of Jesus and that’s what I cling to. That’s what’s anchoring me at the moment. But it’s still hard. Dear God it’s hard some days. But by the grace of God we will all get through this and come out the other end; we may be a little battered and bruised, but we will come out the other end none the less.
For now, being that I can’t run away and open a truffle shop in Sweden, I will do the next best thing and have Cadbury chocolate instead. I’ll even have some extra for good measure.
Be blessed people xx